When most people find out that our son is Autistic they respond in a fairly positive manner. At times this is a difficult thing to do, since it doesn’t usually become apparent that he is autistic unless he’s having a particularly bad moment, but people manage to be kind. Most tell me that he’s lucky for having such a supportive family or that we’re lucky to have caught it so early.
For the most part I’m told how brilliant he probably is (true), or that he’s well adjusted (mostly true). They accept that this moment of behavior is not the norm and that he’s just overstimulated. Most people are great.
Then there are the others. The people who challenge my ability to be kind myself. Those annoying self-righteous and inane people who get a look of shocked awe and say point blank:
“Oh, that must be so hard for you!”
I know that they probably don’t mean to be demeaning or to make me angry. I’m sure that they didn’t mean to turn my son into an object, an anchor, a ball and chain that I am forced to carry with me through the world. I’m fairly sure that in their minds none of these thoughts even occur. But that’s what they’ve just done and nothing you can say or do can take back the pain it causes me or the rage it instills in me.
I get angry mostly for myself at the moment. lil’ B. doesn’t understand that he’s been insulted or slighted. Someday he will and I worry that I’ll be able to hold on to my carefully polished Ken-doll plastic smile at that point. It’s pretty hard to do now.
My son is not a burden that I bear in life. He is an intelligent, sweet, loving, caring and spirited three year old who also just happens to be on the Autistic spectrum. He loves dogs, is not fond of cats, has a love affair with chicken nuggets and oranges and happily sings children’s songs until far too late in the evening.
He is a joy to have around for most of the time. When he smiles the world smiles with him. his laugh is magical and makes even the grumpiest people I’ve met chuckle. He is as innocent as any three year old can be and more intelligent that many 10 year olds. He just can’t talk very well.
My son is not an anchor. He does not hold me down or hold me back. He loves to travel and explore. He is happy in a car and will happily ride for hours. No, I can’t take him to see a movie, but then you can’t take most three year olds to a theatre and expect them to sit still. It’s more fun to rent them and watch at home with popcorn anyway, that way WE don’t have to be quiet!
My son is not a ball and chain. Neither is my wife or our other children. We are a family. We have a few difficulties, just like any other, but we’re happy when we’re together and secure when we’re apart. We’re there when any of us need support, a shoulder of a hug. We live by example and we smile and laugh a lot, even when things aren’t as easy as they could be.
The only way my son could be a burden to me would be if I thought of him as one. Perhaps that’s the way these people would feel if they had an autistic child, but we do not. Our son does not challenge my life. He opens my eyes to things I never would have seen had I not met him. He helps me to see the greatness in very small things and to understand that whatever challenges we face, we can face them together and come out ahead.
So, to all of you who feel that my life is somehow not as good as it was the day before I knew my son was autistic… Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but it isn’t. If anything it’s a far more wondrous place today than it was then. And I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be even better.
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You, sir, an an awesome and amazing man, mostly for not smacking people when they feel the need to say really dumb things. As a child who grew up being ‘different’ from my siblings I can relate to what it feels like when people make certain remarks without thought. It’s tue that it stings, but my mom, like you, feels she received a blessing.
I think your son received a blessing too, to have a family that sees him as he is, as opossed to a negative view of what he could be. Kudos.
I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. Mostly I try to remind myself of the joys that these negative people will never know. I feel sorry for them
Beautifully written and heartfelt. Your son is fortunate to have parents like you. And you and your wife are lucky to have lil’ B.
Thanks Phyl. I don’t really feel that way though. We just tackle what has to be tackled. We are lucky to have him, though. That I will agree with!
Such a beautiful little boy and you are an amazing dad. I can feel the love you all have, way over here! A child should always be viewed as a gift to their family. I am so touched by your family.
Heather,
He is a gift and a joy. And who couldn’t love that face?
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