In my mind all my kids are created equally. They are given the same amount of love, devotion and caring. I spend time with them as often as possible, have sat countless hours dealing with nightmares, scrapes, broken bones, bruises and emotional pain. None is above any other in the eyes of our family. Unfortunately in a house with three kids someone has to be the middle child and the kid in the middle doesn’t usually see things that way.
Meet Lil’ D. He is the middle child in a home with a pre-teen and an autistic little brother. I’s hard enough to be the middle child in any family, but add a small child with special needs to the mix and he issues become a little more pronounced.
Middle Child Syndrome
Middle child syndrome can be subtle or pronounced. In lil’ D’s case, it’s something in between extremes. The definition of middle child syndrome is as follows:
The effects of middle child syndrome are numerous. The child may feel as if he or she does not belong, given all the attention given to the oldest and youngest. The middle child may also feel as if he or she is loved less, have low self esteem and suffer from a lack of a sense of direction. However, these symptoms are not limited only to childhood. They can linger in a person throughout their entire adult lives as well, making middle child syndromesymptoms serious, lifelong conditions.
The good news is that middle child syndrome can be easily identified and is not physical in nature and very treatable, especially if noted early. Therefore, just a change in the parents’ attitudes often will go a long way toward alleviating the situation. Parents should always be mindful that the middle born child often receives the least amount of attention. This is not to say the parents are bad. This is simply a natural reaction and often done subconsciously.
It is always up to the parents to make sure every child feels loved and appreciated. This is especially true when trying to avoid the effects of the middle child syndrome. Each child is unique and special. While it may be very possible to overlook some children, a concerted effort should be made to include all children in activities, as well as give each their own amount of individual attention.
The definition above fits my son very well. It’s an unfortunate situation, especially since he came into being a big brother three years after the fact. It’s something we’re working on from our end.
Lil’ D. does not make friends easily. This issue is compounded by the fact that most of the kids on our block are either considerably older or considerably younger than he is. This leads to a great deal of hard feelings on his part. This makes the issue even worse at school, where he has come to expect that his friends will abandon him.
His older brother doesn’t help the issue. he has an absolutely normal 11 to 9 year old relationship with Lil’ D. That is to say, he really doesn’t want him around unless there’s no one else to be around.
The unfortunate reality
The unfortunate reality of Lil’ D’s relationship with his little brother is that because he’s autistic he does get special treatment. This isn’t because we care for him more, it’s because his needs are different, but when you’re 9 years old and used to being the baby of the family, this can be difficult to accept.
I have been doing my best to make sure he understands that life at most times is not fair. That others will sometimes have what you don’t. That big brothers are usually not nice. (Though Lil’ E tends to take the not nice part to extremes in the case of his middle brother, just as he does with his little brother.)
Both my wife and I work very hard to assure him that he is just as important as his other brothers and that they both have things that they very much want (text phone, “M” rated video games, ice cream, cookies!) that they don’t have.
We try to teach him that the perks that his big brother gets will come in time for him as well, and that Lil’ B will have to wait even longer, if he is ever capable of doing those things at all. The 9 year old in him still has a hard time grasping this.
Perseverance is key
Finding my middle child a place in which he is comfortable with himself is not a battle I can win today. It may not be a battle that I win this year. It is a battle that I will not stop fighting, win or lose. There is no giving up.
As parents there can be no ignoring the issue or writing the problem off as “something he’ll grow out of.” We have to help him find comfort in himself and with himself. These things make a strong person later in life and they need to be learned early.
Do you know of anyone that has these issues? Were you the middle child? Any experiences that you can share would help us transition this great little kid into a happier and more well-adjusted person.
Peace. I’m out
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
As a middle child myself, I definitely understand the concerns that you outlined above. Those issues no doubt are compounded with having a sibling with special needs. However take note that I grew up (relatively) well adjusted and mostly happy….
One thing that you didn’t cover are the ADVANTAGES of being a middle child. Middle children often times function as peacemakers, having to negotiate between the two children. They also tend to be more independent as they have to learn to function on their own and tend to their own needs as their older and younger siblings get more attention.
The middle child also tend to empathize more with others as they are forced to look at their experiences and other experiences from all view points. The middle child often times finds themselves gravitating towards jobs like teachers, judges, psychologists, and other life roles where they can help others.
For me, I realized that being the middle child afforded me a chance to be the “rebellious, arty one” one. It was a way of getting my parent’s attention, but also a way of expressing my individuality. I found that my older brother definitely “broke” my parents in, allowing me to stay out later without fights, and my younger sister often times had more attention on her as she was the baby AND was the only girl. This allowed me to take more chances and push more boundaries than I think either of my siblings have done.
Each one of us siblings have “disappointed” my parents to a certain degree (though in truth, each disappointment was really us kids expressing our individuality and discovering who we really are and what we really wanted, as opposed to what our parents’ thought we were or what they wanted).
I did it first by coming out of the closet as gay. My brother got a divorce (from someone my parents loved), and my sister dropped out of med school. In the end, I was the one who took the first step of trying to figure out who I was, before my brother and sister did – and in a much shorter length of time (it took my brother YEARS to get up the courage to tell my parents that he was getting a divorce and my sister spent WAY too long being miserable in med school).
I think taking those first steps had a lot to do with me being the middle child and being independent. That or I was just clamoring for attention as middle children do (shhhh…don’t tell my partner that I’ve been with him for 10+ years only because I’m getting back at my parents)
It sounds like you have a fairly strong grasp of the difficulties of having a middle child. More and more the middle child is disappearing in our society as people are having smaller families. I’m glad to hear that they are still around and you are aware of the issues involved…
Jack,
good points all!. I should have mentioned that I was the oldest of two and as such have no idea what he’s going through.
I love the fact that you share the positives. Lil’ D has these points as well, though that’s a topic for another post. The kid has greatness in him, just as my other kids do. I’m just trying to help him find what he is great at.
I absolutely love that you are aware of your middle child’s challenges. I too was a middle child with a sister and brother older and a brother and sister younger. the brother younger than me in the birth order was born blind. While his place in our family changed all of our lives I think it was the most dramatic for me. A lot of caretakeing took place in the name of “playing with your little brother”. As well as the years that I should have been the “star” were absorbed with my parents figuring out how to parent a sightless child. I can remember hoping that it was a stage all kids went through and it would be my turn next. I guess if I have anything to add to what you’ve already shared it is that I think that it is imperative that your son feels special in his own right. I have so many stories I could share but I don’t know where to start. Good Luck, and thank you for helping your son find “his” greatness.